The more I mature in the Lord, the more I understand that my journey of personal holiness is not linear. The seasons of life ebb and flow, come and go, placing a new demand on me and the Christ in me. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically or needs change as we grow and mature and progress through life. Spiritually, Jesus constantly challenges us to invite Him in, that we might behold Him. When we behold Him, in all of His perfection, we become more like Him.

It’s okay to not be okay.

Sometimes as believers the prosperity gospel is preached to our emotions: “Trust in God and everything will be okay.” But what about the instances when the healing and deliverance don’t come when we desire? What about when there are delays? When God says wait? Or He permits Satan to test you like Job?

Would Job say that he was “okay”. I don’t think so…

He cursed the day he was born.

When the Prophet Elijah had a mental breakdown because of all of the battles He led, God told Him to eat, to rest. Physically he needed to slow down.

As strong as I may be spiritually, it never makes me exempt from physical rest.

I’m not okay.

The apostolic mandate upon my life has driven my heart near to the point of despair. Like Paul I say,

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

2 Corinthians 4:8

I am hard pressed on every side, perplexed, persecuted, and struck down. But I am not crushed, in despair, abandoned, or destroyed.

I carry in my body the death of Jesus so that life may also be revealed in your body (v10).

There is a cost to receiving and releasing the words that I carry. There is a cost that comes with saying yes to the call, saying yes to the prophetic office, and surrenduring fully to the Holy Spirit’s call to serve His plans for revival.

The cost is death.

Death to my dreams, my desires, my hopes, my ambitions, my will.

The cost is complete surrender.

Surrendering fear, doubt, and shame, all so that I can be filled with Heavenly courage, faith, and confidence. This is the call of the believer. This is the apostolic mandate.

I am an apostle— and most days there is a large part of me that is not okay. I’m at peace, I have joy but I also mourn. I mourn for the body of Christ. I mourn my own sinfulness before God. I mourn for the unbeliever.

I carry a lot… and I am learning to not carry it alone. I know I’m not the only prophet, not the only one carrying a word.

One of the greatest gifts in this season has been family and community to remind me of this truth.

I am tired and I am not okay.

I am scared and that’s okay.

My Prayer:

Father, I am weak, needy, and poor. I have nothing and I need all of you. If you don’t come, I will die here. I will never walk in what you have for me if you don’t carry me to it. I am limping. I am a part of your limping bride. I can’t run to you. I am crawling, limping, hoping that you will meet me the rest of the way.

You are a God of restoration. You are a God of hope.

Restore my hope in the resurrection.

I am not okay.. but don’t allow my emotions to cause me to forsake the reality of yoru resurrection.

There is hope even in what feels like the most hopeless situation. Resurrection my dreams and desires that they would look exactly like yours.

Give me the desires of your Spirit and would my will be drenched in the revelation of your love for me and for the Father and for your bride.

You have so much love. You are a God of love. I am honored to be your lover.

Continue to lead and guide me as I navigate the complexity of my emotions. I love you Father.

I love you daughter…

In Jesus’ name.

Amen.