The Performance Lie: Insecure about the Calling

“The issue of your value is settled at the cross”

— Rob Weimer, Soul Care p69

I have noticed myself a lot more recently checking the “performance” of the ministry on YouTube. It started slow but I find myself checking the view, the analytics, and the comments all too frequently.

The Holy Spirit told me early on to simply check on it once a week, but I have found myself at times checking the stats multiples time a day.

At times of high vulnerability or discomfort, I am most tempted to look for fig trees to cover my insecurity.

Confession: I am insecure about my calling to ministry.

I don’t feel qualified and I feel like I am the LAST person God should use to perform His Will.

Instead of simply telling him, I look for the affirmation of those around me, or of those who have been blessed by the ministry.

“I must be called because the people I’m serving say that the words bless them.”

Wow! Is this a dangerous place to be! Can you imagine if Jesus’ ministry was dependent on the affirmation of man? He never would have gone to the cross…

Why am I confessing this to you on my public blog? Because here’s the thing, all of us in one way or another wrestle with the performance lie. We think that the things we do qualify us, justify us, make us worthy of love, acceptance, and belonging.

But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or at the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

1 Samuel 16:7

Can I get really honest?

I am angry with God with how small the YouTube channel is. I am disappointed with how slow the business is growing. I feel unfruitful in ministry. And because for so long, I have believed that my worth lies in my performance, my “unfruitful” ministry has made me feel unworthy. I feel as if my value has diminished.

When God took me off of campus, I felt like I lost a part of who I was because I identified as a minister on campus, as a “spiritual leader”, as someone people looked to for godly counsel, the Word of the Lord, consolation, and exhortation.

Now, on this gap year. It is me, the Lord, my family, and a camera— on most days. I don’t get to see the people I minister to directly. Without the affirmation of people, I have looked to the validation of the YouTube algorithm. But the channel is growing so slowly it often makes me feel like the words I release aren’t valuable.

Can you believe it?

How dare I say the word of the Lord isn’t valuable because of the external metrics on the YouTube video. So much more goes into views than whether or not it’s the Word of the Lord, whether or not it’s quality content for that matter.

Confession: I compare myself with those who have larger ministries. I look to Sadie Roberts, or Sarah Jakes, or Matthew Stevenson and I say to myself: I will never be like them. Or I will look at larger YouTube channels and say: I should do it that way instead.

I look for hope in imitation of others…

This is the ugliness of my heart that God has brought to light.

I am not satisfied with intimacy with Him as the beginning and the end of my worth.

Then for me all this begs the question,

How did I get here?

I started off in ministry with what I considered to be a pure heart before the Lord. I mean, I know he called me to YouTube, to this business, this ministry, so I know these are not ministries that have been established “in the flesh” or personal ambition.

This is what the Spirit of the Lord says:

While your heart began in a pure place, the trauma, insecurity, and pain of your past is bleeding into the purity of the work that I have called you to do.

The answer isn’t to stop doing the work but to rather allow me to heal the issues of your soul that are causing you to bleed over the work and the calling.

What you don’t know is already killing you. And this is why things have moved at the pace that they have, this is why things have moved “slowly”. I know what’s in your heart and I know the journey you need to go on in order for your heart to be cleansed.

I want you to be prepared to carry the fullness of the glory that I have for you my beloved daughter.

Your ministry is called to reach thousands, I have called you to preach to the nations but if I don’t teach you how to disicpline your heart around first-love, if I don’t heal you from the lies of your past, the weight of the glory will corrupt the purity of the calling.

I need purified, refined, cleansed vessels for the work of ministry.

Will you allow me to cleanse you out? Will you allow me to heal you and deliver you so you can handle the weight of the glory?

Will you desire intimacy once again?

Will you desire to look just like me once again?

Will you obey when you have no idea why or where I’m taking you, once again?

Will you come back to first-love?

Do it because I’ve asked you to and my love language is obedience. Do it because it moves my heart. Obey because it moves my heart.

The fact that you have confessed this is growth and maturity. The confession lets me in to cleanse you of all unrighteouness. Receive my cleansing power even now. Receive my healing oil even now. And this is what I say to you my beloved daughter:

I am moving. I am working, I am raising you up for such a time as this.

Wait on me. Love me. Serve me. Obey me.

Let your ministry be to my heart, not the heart of man. When you focus on ministering to my heart, you will naturally see doors opened to minister to men, but when you’re focus is on the people you will see doors begin to radically close. Why?

Because I care more about your soul’s salvation and your sanctification more than I do your “work” in the Kingdom. I protect my children from the pride of life. I desire to protect my ministers from the pride of life.

My will is your sanctification. I daily desire for you to look like me, for me, for my glory. I am glorified when you look like me, not when you do work for me.

All meaningful work and ministry comes from a place of abiding.

Look at me and you will find all things fall into place.

All eyes on Jesus.

Without even realizing it, I’ve been trying to earn the elevation of my ministry but what I do for God. I try to record perfectly and make everything as good as possible so then, finally, God can bless me and this work.

Mind you, I have never articulated this to God, but because of undealt with trauma from my past, I am living from what I learned through my lived experience. These lies may have worked for me to get into Princeton, or to obtain worldly affirmation, but these lies are detrimental in my walk with the Lord.

Here is the Truth:

(I encourage you to affirm yourself in it as well):

• I could never earn the calling of God upon my life.

• Before I was in my mother’s womb God chose me for such a time as this.

• My worth is settled at the cross.

• My value is settled at the cross.

• I am redeemed because God desired to glorify His grace.

• I am loved because God chose to love me unconditionally.

• Christ died for me with no guarantee that I would love Him back.

• My worth is settled at the cross.

• My value is settled at the cross.

• I am redeemed because God desires to glorify His grace in my life today.

• I am obedient in my calling to minister because I love the Father.

• I serve the Lord because I love Him.

• I lay my life down for Him because I love Him.

• I can’t earn His love through my obedience.

• I obey simply because I love.

• I say yes simply because I love.

Lord this is my prayer,

Bring me back to simple devotion, whether all that mattered is that you see me and I see you. Revive me back to the place of simple devotion to Your Word! Make me a lover of your Word again not to preach, teach, or prophesy but because you are truly the delight of my heart, soul, mind, will, and emotions. Lord, let me delight in you again! Lord, I desire to delight in you again. Lord bring me back to the place of delight, of abounding in the work of the Lord which is to simply believe in the one whom you have sent.

Lord, let this ministry die! Let the Youtube Channel die. Let EVERYTHING I’VE EVER DONE die if I lose the place of simple devotion.

I give you permission (not that you need it) to absolutely frustrate every ministry effort that is coming from a place of fear or pride which is the work of the flesh.

Let me only operate out of a spirit of faith that I might here, “Well done my good and faithful servant.”

Thank you, Lord for your correction for I know you rebuke those you love. Thank you for chastising me that I might share in your holiness.

GIve me the fear of the Lord once again. Would I live for you, would I die for you. In you I live, move, and have my being.

I lay my life down for you simply because you are worthy. You are worthy of it all.

I lay my life down not in exchange for anything you can do, not for revival, not for ministry, not for any thing. I lay my life down because I love you, because you call me to follow you. Out of gratitude for all that you’ve done for me on the Cross, I lay my life down simply to say thank you.

I am grateful Father! I am grateful! I am so grateful.

Every lie, every past experience, every place of trauma that has made me feel like my worth was in what I did, what I could do, what I could earn, I simply surrender it to you. I come out of agreement with the lie of performance and I say: My value is settled at the Cross.

I am worthy because the blood of Jesus has made me worthy.

I am chosen because you have predestined me for good works.

You love me. You love me. You love me!

You are faithful. You are kind. You are precious. You are generous.

And because of who you are, I give you glory, I give you praise. I honor you all of my days.

But if you refuse to serve the LORD, then choose today whom you will serve. Would you prefer the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates? Or will it be the gods of the Amorites in whose land you now live? But as for me and my family, we will serve the LORD.”
Joshua 24:15 NLT