What do I want? What do I want to be known for?

I am in this place right now with the Lord, where I am just being blessed.

I feel like I am reaping… in the secret place, my business, and my ministry every day. I feel so abundantly blessed. I am literally in Paris, France, fully funded by my University. I mean, what else could I ask for? I am not in any way worried about money or the future. I am so abundantly provided for. I have the privilege of reaching thousands online daily through various social media platforms.

I am happy.

To the point where I cried to God yesterday and said, “I don’t know how to relate to you anymore… all I can say is thank you….” It’s not like I wasn’t grateful before, but it’s a different type of gratitude. God has been opening doors of favor in my business that I’ve been believing Him for, for years; He’s giving me strategy to launch my new businesses with such clarity it’s nearly overwhelming AND— I have so much faith. There is no doubt in my mind that it’s going to work.

God is performing His Word. It keeps coming to pass. Everything He promises, and I prophesy He brings to fruition. I don’t know what to do with myself…

I am in this season of great rest, and just writing that makes me cry with relief.

The past season was so incredibly difficult. It felt like I had lost all of my creative desire, but the Lord told me, “I’m giving you your fight back.” I was like a lion, and the persecution I went through silenced me and wounded me. Growing up and facing so much rejection and then facing so much rejection in this past season in ministry felt like total defeat. But somehow… God used it to deliver me entirely from codependence and a need for other people’s approval and understanding of me, my calling, and my purpose.

I feel incredibly free to pursue my life’s calling in a way I never have before. No gnawing anxiety in my head tells me, “I don’t hear God.”

I am an unapologetic prophet in the marketplace, and I love who God has called me to be. I feel so hopeful. That verse… God will give you a future and a hope. I feel that in my bones. Hope is in my bones. His blood is in my veins. I feel His heart.

As an intercessor, I not only carry a seeing gift but a feeling gift. I can go days feeling heavy, and then suddenly, in prayer, God turns it into intercession, and I find myself weeping for the nations…

I love the Lord. I love His people.

I don’t have words for what I am going through now… I find that in this supernatural joy and happiness I am experiencing, I am also grieving. I am grieving this old version of myself that deep in my spirit, I know will die here in France. She’s not coming back to the States with me.

I feel God doing a radical thing inside of me that I cannot articulate now. It’s scary, but I can’t wait to see it completed.

God is breaking off this demonic root to my productivity. The productive version of myself rooted in anxiety. And the productive version of myself rooted in His love has permission to grow in a way that hasn’t felt possible before.

I feel the shift: doing from a place of fear to doing from a place of love.

God told me that I put on 10 lbs in the first couple of months of the year because I stopped honoring Sabbath. So I repented and resolved to practice Sabbath again. Every Friday. Then today, at 11:58 am, as I sang my song to the Lord, He said, “stop fasting.” I was confused… He said, “you don’t need it today. Just spend time with me, but you don’t need to fast….” So you know what we did? We watched movies, prayed, and scrolled on Instagram for a bit… The “productive” version of me began to spiral, “What if God won’t bless the ministry if I don’t break strongholds today?” and on and on and on… God said, “See, if I allowed you to fast today, you would think the breakthrough about to come to you came from your work, your routine. My blessing doesn’t come from what you do. I bless you because you’re my daughter, and I love you. It’s my grace.”

It’s His grace!!!

I feel I have never been so aware of my flaws and limitations and, at the same time, so aware of how tangibly God is blessing my life.

I feel united with Him. I am united with Him. He is my best friend. He’s my life companion. If I have nothing else in this world, I just want Him.

You see… that’s the thing!

God is blessing me emotionally, spiritually, relationally, financially, and in my ministry— yet the ONLY THING I WANT— is HIM! All I want to do is what He tells me to do.

This is true freedom, beloved!

The world doesn’t own me. Jesus does! And I am enjoying my life and His creation, and it doesn’t have my heart!!! I mean! WOW!

I feel like the whole world has stopped, and it’s just Jesus and me on the dance floor. And all I can muster is a whisper in His ear… “thank you.”

I’m not angry or resentful for what I went through. I am just grateful. He used it for my good. I see it. I see it now. I see that I needed the cleansing He took me through. I see that in the persecution, I inherited the Kingdom, as He promised I would.

I feel unstoppable because He is with me…

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
    for his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
    I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
    your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever.

Psalm 23 ESV